The Secret of Happiness and Other Stories.

See I think it is motherfucking disgusting how God expects me to promote bloggay. Why can't all the funnyintelligentcoolsome peepal of the world just stumble upon this and save me the trouble of spamming all the other blogs I read. Hmpf.

1.The Secret of Happiness
The bitch that's screwing my ass these days is my, to quote the profile, "maniacal happiness". Yo. I am eternally, everlastingly, and outrageously happy and calm at all points of time, whatever the fuck may be the circumstance. Even now, even though I may be sounding superpissed, I'm merely curious.

It was not always like this. In my adolescence I remember being  the stereotypical neurotic nerd who thinks suicide every time marks drop below 90. I remember being terribly shy in front of relatives. I remember being a god-fearing soul. I remember craving to be very slim, very beautiful, very like "those perfect girls." I remember being unusually, savagely ambitious and competitive. I remember being jealous of anyone who was better than me at anything. I remember feeling lost amidst my friends, I remember being contemptuous of them. I remember hating myself for those confused, dark thoughts. I remember being in awe of others. I remember crying in the bathroom sessions. I remember being self-pitying.

I remember crying to no end because the teacher called me "stupid". I remember feeling mortified and insulted when that stupid girl wrote "I love you" in bold red on my frock. I remember the smugness of the revenge thereafter. I remember removing my vice-captaincy badge and flinging it out of the window (Holy fuck, how TV-serial inspired am I O.o) because I almost failed a Maths test. I remember wanting to murder the teacher who asked me to dance solo on the stage, I remember how I cried for 2 periods after that. I remember the terror of teachers, of what the world would think of me, of what my parents would feel always guiding my thoughts and actions.I remember being exactly the kind of person I detest now. I remember being a totally chudi hui personality, to be short and bitter.

What changed and how and why, I simply fail to understand. All that I know is now, I don't give a fuck about stupid things, and love all non-stupid things, and am quite enamoured by my own life and that of others always. Yes, ALWAYS. In the recent past, I remember not feeling like being sad when those selffucking cut-offs came out. I remember not feeling tensed when I forgot to carry my marksheet to Calcutta, needed for the admission process of the only college I was aiming at that time. I remember being nothing more than nonchalant when I discovered that more than 11 societies of my prasteegephul college had kicked my ass hard.

So I am always happy. But this is quite disturbing. I mean, it makes me wonder. Quite a lot! My mind has come up with these vague theories :-

1. Desire Death Theory : I remember some ancient history text book telling me that Lord Buddha( or was it Lord Mahavira? O.o) preached that the only reason of unhappiness is desire. So if you kill desire, you are happy. Which could be true in my case, for it's been very very very fucking long since the last time I felt those crazy, passionate pangs of ardent desire. Oh and, both THAT desire and THAT desire, perverts. And if it is true, well, wow. How superfucking crazy that makes me. :-| How superfucking aimless. Well well, it probably isn't true. Cheerup Mind. :D

2. The Happiness Mirage Theory : Okay now this one is really stupid but really plausible. I think sometime during my 11th, I became happy for some reason. Then one of my friends told me how I'm such a happy-go-lucky person. And BAM. My mind swelled with fatherly pride and conditioned me to stay happy always, because someone said I'm like that. Wofuck O.o. So then next time some terrible thing happened, my mind would remind me how I'm supposed to be the ohsohappygirl, and I would get over it and be happy or imagine myself to be happy or force myself to be happy. Seriously, how fucking crazy. And then ultimately, over the years I got used to it, and happiness became a sort of reflex action for the sad times. Is anyone thinking of Boman Irani's laugh therapy in Munnabhai MBBS here?

3. The Inhumanity Theory : Uh hum. Self explanatory. Fact is I'm pretty much insensitive. I don't feel sad for other people, so naturally I don't feel sad for myself. All this because I am some blood-chillling devil/chudial. I have even dreamt about being one bachpan mein. Plus my sister has always suspected I'm not Homo Sapien material.
Ohemgee!  WOHOO. :D (Y)

4. The WTF Theory : is probably my favorite. It believes there are certain things in life which cannot be humanly explained. Like my father's tempers. Like that purplish pimple near the lips. Like that chai-ka-dhabba under the chin. Like my mother's jokes. Like Saumya's fascination for velvet, net-ish, shiny, glittering, tight fit clothes. Like why I'm always happy.

So you put them in the WTF corner of your brain. So as soon as you start wondering about these things, the WTF Corner official promptly shouts, "HALT! WTF?" and endofstory. You move on to pleasanter things. [Yes, it involves being a dreadful escapist.]

Okay enough. I just received the WTF signal.

2. O Facebook, how much doth thou irkest me!

[Log in] Owow, 6 new notifications! [Loading] Someone prolly liked the new profile pic. Eeeee, maybe HE did! :D [ Click] [OneChutiya posted in <class-group>. OneChutiya posted in <batch-group>. OneChutiya posted in <college-page> OneChutiya posted in <....>....] Dude, what's up with miss i-gave-you-my-pen-where-is-it-now-haan? *curiosity* [ Clicks] <Hey friends, please like this page> [Uh huh. Click] < Hey friends, please like this page> [:-\ Click] < Hey friends, please like this page.> [WTF! Click] < Hey friends, please like this page.> Okaydiedaughterofabitch.[Headbang on the wall] [Logs the fuck out]

[Log in] Oh dear, look who's online *rubs hands in glee* :D And uh, 8 new notifications? :-| [Click.] <Falana-dhimkana tagged you in a pic> [Umm, hai kaun yeh. Well, click.] <Main Anna Hu pic opens up> [Nai, tu chutia hai. Bah. Click.] <Random-boy tagged you in a pic> [Die bitch. Click] < Good Morning (with sunflower in background) pic> [Teri maa ki saale. Click] < Good-friend commented on random-boy's pic of you> [Acha? Click] <Gd mrnng too u tooo dearooo <3 <3 <3!!!!!!!> [Argh. Everyone DIE! Baaah! Click] <He commented on your status> [OMG Eeeeeeeee! Click] <"Not funny :P" > [Heartbreak :'(] [Log out]

[Log in]  Newsfeed : Stupidest-woman-on-earth likes "The person I love after you will call you Dad <3" and 151 other pages. [:'(] [Stagggers against the wall and falls down] [Log out]

3. The Pleasures of The Domestic Life

Have to return to Delhi in a few days time. Suddenly this obscure small town is so inviting. I simply don't want to go. To hell with how career-oriented am I, to hell with how much I need money, to hell with how much fun college is, to hell with everyfuckingthing. I love the homey feeling. I love having to do nothing. I love this excitementless life.

Tragedy is I don't love it enough to stay back. Strangeness, why are you so obsessed with me.

4. The Ra.One Poster Thingy.
Dear God,

Please make that supersexist damsel-in-distress Ra.One poster human. Then I would prick holes in the whole of it's ugly body. And fill the holes with petrol or diesel or other similar stuff And set it to a roaring fire.And then I will fist-pump in the picturesque post-murder frenzy. And only then meri aatma ko shaanti milegi.

Truly Yours,
Feminist.

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