Love-me-not
Suddenly I find a surge in the number of people who love me/find me awesome. They post on my facebook wall, and they try to talk to me all the time, they get frustrated if I don't reply to them, and they mentally kill me if I do not pretend to love them back often enough, and they laugh at me ( or maybe at my jokes, can't say which) and everything.
I hate it.
I hate it like I hate lizards. That much. It shocks me, this stupidity. People either find me intelligently funny, or ridiculously so, but that's it. Funny. Weird. Pagal. Crazy. That's why they like me.Because they find me, my actions, my thoughts, entertaining, ridiculous maybe. It makes me feel a peculiar kind of contempt for them. Is that how shallow they are? Is that their basis for loving people? Aren't other things supposed to count? And a peculiar form of disgust at myself. Is that all there is to me? Do I try to be funny all the time? Is it my fault?
It's not like I don't like my sense of humour to be appreciated. What fucks my mind is that some people love me only for that. It's even worse than being loved for your looks; atleast that kind of an adoration wears out ultimately! Holy fuck, I'd rather be lonely, in the comfort of my own presence, than have friends like that. Friends who want to talk to me only because they're bored. Who're probably thinking I'm awesome because I can make them laugh, bhenchod. Friends who treat me like their personal laughter vending machine.
I don't want that kind of love. I just don't. It makes me feel terribly lonely. It thrusts into my face the fact that I'm friends with a lot of people but I've very, very few friends still.
And then there are others. Others who love me a lot, like true wala. For myself. But fucker that I am, I cannot love them back that much. Honestly speaking, in general I like everyone. There are very few people I hate. As a matter of fact, there are none currently. But I do not love anyone passionately, madly. Maybe my sister. I can't say. I gel with everyone, and I love them all, ranging from kam to bhot bhot zyada, but well, damn it, not enough. Not as much as they love me. Not as much as they expect. As they need.
It's very horribly selfish of me.
Like this friend of mine had a serious accident and I didn't bother to even think about her the next day.
Like this friend of mine whose birthday I totally ruined because I couldn't come up with good enough ideas because I wasn't filled with that desperation to make someone you love happy.
Like this friend of mine who's ( What the fuck is correct? whose or who's? Die grammar) call I don't pick up because I don't feel like listening to her troubles when I'm too sick of my own. Or even when I'm not. :'(
So many little things. Either I don't love them enough, or I don't care to show it. I don't know. Every day I meet new people and old acquaintances. The new ones tell me I'm awesome, and the old one's tell me I don't love them. It's like having naan with lauki, this kind of a life.
I feel even if I make a great sacrifice for friends, I'm only doing it to avoid my own guilt. I cannot live with guilt. I am afraid of it, terribly afraid of it. Whatever I do for others is guided by the selfish motive of keeping my conscience clean, and not by what would make them happy. That's only a side-effectnd I love making people happy, I love making them laugh, I listen to their problems patiently, I try to solve them as best as I can, but again, it's only food for my conscience, I think. Everything's done with that ulterior motive : guiltlessness. . Fuck. I don't deserve that kind of love, that pure wala, and yet, that's the only thing I want. I'm probably the most selfish person on earth. No wonder I detest people who tell me I'm amazing after pehli mulakat. They don't know what a bitch I am yet.
See! I don't want that stupid pehle wala love, and I can't live up to the beautiful second wala love. What fuckery.
And shocking thing is I'm still not sad over it. A bit disturbed, bas. Not sad. Why does nothing make me cry? Am I even human? Am I really mad? What's up, you stupid brain?
Ah. I'm a love-me-not.
Life Ki Ma-behen
Nai ho rakhi hai. But the phrase is so cool I couldn't resist inserting it :D
Guilt
Will you laugh if I tell you that all that I want in life is to be good? Guilt-free, basically. I've done terrible things, unknowingly, in my childhood, and I've been guilt-struck for years, I've hated myself, and I've forgiven myself NOW, I think. At least, that's the hope. But it's been terrifying. Guilt is the worst thing that can happen to you. And the core purpose of my life is to save myself from that clinging bastard. I just want to be good. Money, love, sex, career, food, these are secondary desires, they don't matter much, though I try to convince myself they do. What matters is my happiness, and I'm happy so long as I'm, well, good.
Dear God
Please make me good and make everyone happy. And PLEASE give me a good result, even though I may not have deserved it, because my parents will die otherwise. Yes, emotional blackmail. Please please please. I love you. Thanks for everything! Bless us all! Muah!
***
Bye whoever was awesome enough to read this! :)
One day you guys must try having Egg-malai-parantha. It's food nirvana.
Suddenly I find a surge in the number of people who love me/find me awesome. They post on my facebook wall, and they try to talk to me all the time, they get frustrated if I don't reply to them, and they mentally kill me if I do not pretend to love them back often enough, and they laugh at me ( or maybe at my jokes, can't say which) and everything.
I hate it.
I hate it like I hate lizards. That much. It shocks me, this stupidity. People either find me intelligently funny, or ridiculously so, but that's it. Funny. Weird. Pagal. Crazy. That's why they like me.Because they find me, my actions, my thoughts, entertaining, ridiculous maybe. It makes me feel a peculiar kind of contempt for them. Is that how shallow they are? Is that their basis for loving people? Aren't other things supposed to count? And a peculiar form of disgust at myself. Is that all there is to me? Do I try to be funny all the time? Is it my fault?
It's not like I don't like my sense of humour to be appreciated. What fucks my mind is that some people love me only for that. It's even worse than being loved for your looks; atleast that kind of an adoration wears out ultimately! Holy fuck, I'd rather be lonely, in the comfort of my own presence, than have friends like that. Friends who want to talk to me only because they're bored. Who're probably thinking I'm awesome because I can make them laugh, bhenchod. Friends who treat me like their personal laughter vending machine.
I don't want that kind of love. I just don't. It makes me feel terribly lonely. It thrusts into my face the fact that I'm friends with a lot of people but I've very, very few friends still.
And then there are others. Others who love me a lot, like true wala. For myself. But fucker that I am, I cannot love them back that much. Honestly speaking, in general I like everyone. There are very few people I hate. As a matter of fact, there are none currently. But I do not love anyone passionately, madly. Maybe my sister. I can't say. I gel with everyone, and I love them all, ranging from kam to bhot bhot zyada, but well, damn it, not enough. Not as much as they love me. Not as much as they expect. As they need.
It's very horribly selfish of me.
Like this friend of mine had a serious accident and I didn't bother to even think about her the next day.
Like this friend of mine whose birthday I totally ruined because I couldn't come up with good enough ideas because I wasn't filled with that desperation to make someone you love happy.
Like this friend of mine who's ( What the fuck is correct? whose or who's? Die grammar) call I don't pick up because I don't feel like listening to her troubles when I'm too sick of my own. Or even when I'm not. :'(
So many little things. Either I don't love them enough, or I don't care to show it. I don't know. Every day I meet new people and old acquaintances. The new ones tell me I'm awesome, and the old one's tell me I don't love them. It's like having naan with lauki, this kind of a life.
I feel even if I make a great sacrifice for friends, I'm only doing it to avoid my own guilt. I cannot live with guilt. I am afraid of it, terribly afraid of it. Whatever I do for others is guided by the selfish motive of keeping my conscience clean, and not by what would make them happy. That's only a side-effectnd I love making people happy, I love making them laugh, I listen to their problems patiently, I try to solve them as best as I can, but again, it's only food for my conscience, I think. Everything's done with that ulterior motive : guiltlessness. . Fuck. I don't deserve that kind of love, that pure wala, and yet, that's the only thing I want. I'm probably the most selfish person on earth. No wonder I detest people who tell me I'm amazing after pehli mulakat. They don't know what a bitch I am yet.
See! I don't want that stupid pehle wala love, and I can't live up to the beautiful second wala love. What fuckery.
And shocking thing is I'm still not sad over it. A bit disturbed, bas. Not sad. Why does nothing make me cry? Am I even human? Am I really mad? What's up, you stupid brain?
Ah. I'm a love-me-not.
Life Ki Ma-behen
Nai ho rakhi hai. But the phrase is so cool I couldn't resist inserting it :D
Guilt
Will you laugh if I tell you that all that I want in life is to be good? Guilt-free, basically. I've done terrible things, unknowingly, in my childhood, and I've been guilt-struck for years, I've hated myself, and I've forgiven myself NOW, I think. At least, that's the hope. But it's been terrifying. Guilt is the worst thing that can happen to you. And the core purpose of my life is to save myself from that clinging bastard. I just want to be good. Money, love, sex, career, food, these are secondary desires, they don't matter much, though I try to convince myself they do. What matters is my happiness, and I'm happy so long as I'm, well, good.
Dear God
Please make me good and make everyone happy. And PLEASE give me a good result, even though I may not have deserved it, because my parents will die otherwise. Yes, emotional blackmail. Please please please. I love you. Thanks for everything! Bless us all! Muah!
***
Bye whoever was awesome enough to read this! :)
One day you guys must try having Egg-malai-parantha. It's food nirvana.
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